I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.

Amy Schumer

Categorized in : Sleep Mother Weight

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

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You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

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I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

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I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

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I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.

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Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty. by Amy Schumer

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

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Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.

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My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.

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I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.

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I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, 'All right! You got it. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I'll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.' But then I think, F* that ... I am a woman with thoughts and questions and s* to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

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You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.

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I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.

cancer war people

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

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She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

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I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.

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He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

weekend family wife

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test. by Amy Schumer

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

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It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?

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I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

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