I am speechless: I have no speech Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away." Jerry Seinfeld phones humorous wish Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people." Jerry Seinfeld jobs funny two Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? Jerry Seinfeld mcdonalds goal want The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, 'Well at least I got something'. But when you win silver, it's like, 'Congratulations, you 'almost' won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one 'loser.' No one lost ahead of you. Jerry Seinfeld congratulations winning thinking I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry. Jerry Seinfeld clothes blood thinking We know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy. Jerry Seinfeld stupid believe thinking Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it. Jerry Seinfeld car faces heart I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired. Jerry Seinfeld im-tired rich tired Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it. Jerry Seinfeld amusing health want I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more! Jerry Seinfeld should facts thinking You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. Jerry Seinfeld style father years If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. Jerry Seinfeld movie two years Economy is essential to all good art. Jerry Seinfeld economy essentials art I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire. Jerry Seinfeld admire hell sex The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing. Jerry Seinfeld ends laughing There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.' Jerry Seinfeld knives phrases order I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked. Jerry Seinfeld show-me naked sexy The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. Jerry Seinfeld comedian knowing fun Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space? Jerry Seinfeld magazines space love-is The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, 'Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!' Once you put that helmet on them, 'You're in the luge, buddy!' 'aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA... aaaAAAAA...' World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge. Jerry Seinfeld olympics next people
