I can snap your spine like a toothpick. Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth- of the books I'd probably love if I ever got to them. Dave Barry readingfeelingsbook Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere. Dave Barry dog-lovepetdog You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. Dave Barry womenpregnancybaby The method (of learning Japanese) recommended by experts is to be born as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan. And even then it's not easy. Dave Barry humorousbabyfunny Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart. Dave Barry golftalkinginteresting We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. Dave Barry scotlandcountryamerica My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. Dave Barry chess-piecesliteraturegames I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse. Dave Barry sarcasticfunnychildren Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Dave Barry assumingguyliterature I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. Dave Barry collegebelievechildren There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately. Dave Barry phonesseamen I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits. Dave Barry readingfunnybook American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. Dave Barry humorousfunnyamerica Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.) Dave Barry technologydoubtmean I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways long enough to be registered historical landmarks. Dave Barry waterfunnylong In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer. Dave Barry shoesdrinkingbeer I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body. Dave Barry playerfootballpast I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. Dave Barry technologypurposeuse When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. Dave Barry humoroushomefun The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes. Dave Barry religiouswritingrunning
