I completely understand why a businessman would fire me from 'Saturday Night Live'. Because he was seeing Jay Leno kill 10 minutes a night, doing his monologue with wall-to-wall laughs and applause, then I do 10 minutes a week to, sometimes, breathtaking silence. He's just listening for the laughs.

Norm MacDonald

Categorized in : Night Fire Wall

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

Norm MacDonald

dog worry mean

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Norm MacDonald

hipster hippie fun

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Norm MacDonald

gambling winning men

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

Norm MacDonald

care guy knows

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

Norm MacDonald

intelligent men thinking

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!

Norm MacDonald

zero age people

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

Norm MacDonald

principles wisdom firsts

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

Norm MacDonald

dating shows games

OJ Simpson was in a different kind of courtroom this week attempting to regain custody of his two children. In order to prove to the court how much he loves his kids, OJ pointed out quote 'Hey, they're still alive, aren't they?'

Norm MacDonald

two kids children

All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.

Norm MacDonald

spring kids children

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

Norm MacDonald

cancer battle guy

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

Norm MacDonald

bored twenties dirty

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

Norm MacDonald

uncles men lying

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

Norm MacDonald

self matter beer

Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

Norm MacDonald

type home people

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.

Norm MacDonald

necks lazy tvs

Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

Norm MacDonald

opposites love people

All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

Norm MacDonald

dying people thinking

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

Norm MacDonald

dad guy funny

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

Norm MacDonald

fool practice two