Daniel Handler: I do what I do," I said, "in order to do something els...

Nobody wants to hear that you will try your best. It is the wrong thing to say. It is like saying 'I probably won't hit you with a shovel.' Suddenly everyone is afraid you will do the opposite.

Daniel Handler

opposites want trying

The trick to following someone without getting caught is to follow somebody who doesn't think they're being followed.

Daniel Handler

tricks caught thinking

Do the scary thing first, and get scared later.

Daniel Handler

scary inspiration firsts

There are some secrets you want to keep to yourself, even if they don't matter. They might only matter if you keep them secret.

Daniel Handler

secret want might

It seemed to me that every adult did something terrible sooner or later. And every child, I thought, sooner or later becomes an adult.

Daniel Handler

adults terrible children

With a library it is easier to hope for serendipity than to look for a precise answer.

Daniel Handler

library serendipity looks

I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone. Then this is my life and maybe, however unlikely, I'll find my way back there. Or maybe, one day, I'll settle for second best. And on that same day, hell will freeze over, the sun will burn out and the stars will fall from the sky.

Daniel Handler

stars relationship fall

One's home is like a delicious piece of pie you order in a restaurant on a country road one cozy evening - the best piece of pie you have ever eaten in your life - and can never find again. After you leave home, you may find yourself feeling homesick, even if you have a new home that has nicer wallpaper and a more efficient dishwasher than the home in which you grew up.

Daniel Handler

home order country

The Long Goodbye' is one book I like to read over and over again, and it was an enormous inspiration for 'All The Wrong Questions'.

Daniel Handler

inspiration goodbye book

I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone.

Daniel Handler

long-love long-distance-relationship hate

Labor Day is a holiday honoring those who work for a living. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday honoring those who cannot stop talking about their work.

Daniel Handler

funny-work holiday talking

One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very heavy shoes, with a poisonous toad waiting patiently beneath a clump of weeds, knowing full well that eventually you will step on him.

Daniel Handler

weed dark love

This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.

Daniel Handler

cookies coffee sex

I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your room, and then it's nice to be in a room with a bunch of people working on a movie.

Daniel Handler

nice writing people

I am heartbroken, but I have been heartbroken before, and this might be the best for which I can hope.

Daniel Handler

heartbroken being-the-best might

It is not the diamonds or the birds, the people or the potatoes, it is not any of the nouns. The miracle is the adverbs, the way things are done. It is the way love gets done despite every catastrophe.

Daniel Handler

miracle bird people

Criminals should be punished, not fed pastries.

Daniel Handler

punishment criminals crime

If you are trying to fool a farsighted or dimwitted person, a veiled facial disguise might be enough.

Daniel Handler

fool trying might

Just because something is traditional is no reason to do it, of course.

Daniel Handler

teens healing reason

There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.

Daniel Handler

yogurt salmon meals

I do what I do," I said, "in order to do something else.