I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older. by Joan Rivers

I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.

Joan Rivers

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Categorized in : Want Mind Aging

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

nice beautiful mean

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

horse two believe

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.

fashion water people

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

dog two years

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

husband should-have baby

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

okay comedy gone

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missin... by Joan Rivers

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

love-life missing memorable

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

buttons husband night

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put... by Joan Rivers

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

vegas race running

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd ne... by Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.

husband memorable sex

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell. by Joan Rivers

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

diets white laughing

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the real... by Joan Rivers

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

divorce insightful breakup

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

sexy fashion memorable

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

humorous mother children

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we... by Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

swimming memorable art

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. by Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

hillarious mayonnaise aspirin

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

stupid war funny

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who ge... by Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

love funny long

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly. by Joan Rivers

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

ugly gay military

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. by Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

tailored-suits clothes fashion