I got into this relationship that's been really beautiful with someone incredible who has dealt with the non-coked-up Bambi version of me and that's been very incredible. She's kind of held my hand through that hell and we are having a baby together.

John Mulaney

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

John Mulaney

failing stills stuff

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.

John Mulaney

homeless towns gay

It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

John Mulaney

heroin relief fun

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

John Mulaney

tables sometimes rooms

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

John Mulaney

animal people

Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

John Mulaney

garbage names book

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

John Mulaney

stories kids interesting

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

John Mulaney

treatment idiot lucky

In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

John Mulaney

introvert heroin relief

I think for many of us - speaking for just a pocket of the country - we trusted Obama. So when you leave your baby with your mom to watch, you don't run home and check the nanny cam. But now we've left the baby with Gary Busey, so we're going to be a lot more on it.

John Mulaney

mom running country

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

John Mulaney

exhaustion crazy

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.

John Mulaney

badness compare two

It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.

John Mulaney

crazy nice people

Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.

John Mulaney

perfect beautiful baby

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

John Mulaney

accounts saving dad

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.

John Mulaney

ifs want firsts

I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn't watch important shows. He'll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever's on, we watch.

John Mulaney

documentaries tvs important

Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy.

John Mulaney

enjoy self-esteem self

I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

John Mulaney

cameras cutting player

I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of.

John Mulaney

drinking running children