I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Conan O'Brien More Quotes by Conan O'Brien More Quotes From Conan O'Brien On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka. Conan O'Brien daughternamesdoe A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.' Conan O'Brien legsbabyrooms Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream. Conan O'Brien ice-creamtaughtkids Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy? Conan O'Brien egyptnameschildren If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. Conan O'Brien rocksjumpinghair A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, 'Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer.' Conan O'Brien daughterpresidentsheep President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal. Conan O'Brien hard-workyesterdayorder The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies. Conan O'Brien tsaknivesfire If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk. Conan O'Brien peoplefallthinking There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. Conan O'Brien dartmouthgraduationinspirational A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone. Conan O'Brien smartphonesstudybaby It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.' Conan O'Brien rudolphnamesnegative I've always heard that women secretly want their father. So I used to walk around in a 1950s business suit, with a hat and a pipe. My opening line would be, 'You should be getting to bed now.' Conan O'Brien great-lovebedfather Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years. Conan O'Brien governmenttwoyears Link Wray is the all-time legend. Conan O'Brien legendsguitarlinks Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. Conan O'Brien presidentsuccessfulcountry On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan. Conan O'Brien disappointingpresidentialelection Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life. Conan O'Brien summerinspirationalpeople 'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him. Conan O'Brien weekstoriesfirsts At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.' Conan O'Brien fortune-cookiechinesepresident
