I like definitive things. Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. Jerry Seinfeld funny-lifemistakebaby Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. Jerry Seinfeld loverelationshipmoving What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing? Jerry Seinfeld datinggameswinning If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight? Jerry Seinfeld fightingmenwrestling All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.' Jerry Seinfeld idiotmagicgone The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings. Jerry Seinfeld wifefightingthinking This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little. Jerry Seinfeld creativewantideas I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.' Jerry Seinfeld life-lessonhurtkids There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles. Jerry Seinfeld lifestylesmarthelping I hate the waiting room. Because it's called the waiting room, there's no chance of not waiting. It's built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they've got this room all set up? Jerry Seinfeld waiting-roomshatechance Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters. Jerry Seinfeld hilarioustwentieslight Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone? Jerry Seinfeld people I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch. Jerry Seinfeld readingcleverthinking I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. Jerry Seinfeld emsspecialwant What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine? Jerry Seinfeld containersdealsglasses Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities. Jerry Seinfeld possibilitywantfame So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!" Jerry Seinfeld halloweengivingkids Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Jerry Seinfeld funny-lovecommitmentthinking Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. Jerry Seinfeld decisiongamesmen The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance. Jerry Seinfeld maintenanceenjoybody
