I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. Milton Berle More Quotes by Milton Berle More Quotes From Milton Berle All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. Milton Berle valentinewifecards It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping. Milton Berle dietinghumorousexercise The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. Milton Berle dollarsteacherretirement Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter. Milton Berle fourwintersex Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. Milton Berle funny-marriagelifesex I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in. Milton Berle christmasmotherbeautiful It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids! Milton Berle teamteachingeducation I live to laugh, and I laugh to live. Milton Berle laughing I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome. Milton Berle drugagewonder Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. Milton Berle hilarioussillymen My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. Milton Berle my-wifewifesea My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself. Milton Berle valentinewifeheart Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work. Milton Berle teachingeducationteacher They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer. Milton Berle hilariouslifefunny A thing of beauty is a job forever. Milton Berle foreverbeautyjobs The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand. Milton Berle carefulchristmasoffice Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards. Milton Berle backwardsgolfremember Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? Milton Berle sarcasticrunningmen Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list Milton Berle eightchristmasyears I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. Milton Berle new-yearchristmasson
