I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist. Felipe Esparza More Quotes by Felipe Esparza More Quotes From Felipe Esparza According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard! Felipe Esparza support hip-hop children Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing. Felipe Esparza heckling comedy writing Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food. Felipe Esparza cougars airplane jokes I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall. Felipe Esparza dad may son You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you. Felipe Esparza your-haters getting-older want I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama. Felipe Esparza mama three baby Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America. Felipe Esparza smell coffee america Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me. Felipe Esparza latino mexican My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me. Felipe Esparza threatening cry dad While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras. Felipe Esparza tricks treats dad I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides. Felipe Esparza bully use people I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together. Felipe Esparza materials comedy together We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine. Felipe Esparza cocaine weapons america I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors. Felipe Esparza getting-older police yesterday My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat. Felipe Esparza burritos meat mom I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot. Felipe Esparza mexican home giving I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car. Felipe Esparza packages car used Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush. Felipe Esparza ambush dinner way Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut. Felipe Esparza valentines-day cutting night
