I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks. Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV. Jerry Seinfeld watching-tvrunningfunny I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy. Jerry Seinfeld wisdomlyingthinking I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that. Jerry Seinfeld caringgivingmean This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. Jerry Seinfeld crazyideasinteresting The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life. Jerry Seinfeld blessingexercisekids I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge. Jerry Seinfeld musclessoaptiny That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity. Jerry Seinfeld threebreakuptwo Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? Jerry Seinfeld motivationalinspirationaljobs Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. Jerry Seinfeld sicklaughingmean You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.' Jerry Seinfeld distanceminutesway Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to himself, "I could do that! He's not that good. Jerry Seinfeld dogpeoplethinking One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in. Jerry Seinfeld construction-workersdedicationjobs The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. Jerry Seinfeld being-yourselfcomedywhole If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. Jerry Seinfeld storieswantlong I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. Jerry Seinfeld cuttingtimewitty That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. Jerry Seinfeld christmasfunnypeople I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit. Jerry Seinfeld trainingwantkids People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them. Jerry Seinfeld infiniteattentionpeople Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives. Jerry Seinfeld oppositesgoodbyeworld A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it's just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens. Jerry Seinfeld surfingnicewater
