I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that. Jon Stewart More Quotes by Jon Stewart More Quotes From Jon Stewart I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity. Jon Stewart parentmotherthinking You talk about the Pro-Life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number two, I think - I think it's that. I think it's absolute - it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights. Jon Stewart gayrightsthinking Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about. Jon Stewart differencesopportunitymean Across the nation, thousands of people are lining up in hospital waiting rooms, out the doors, down the steps, around the corners, and behind the hedges, waiting for their inoculations. Here's another idea for avoiding the flu: DON'T stand outside in the cold for hours around lots of other people. Jon Stewart waiting-roomsdoorsideas When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do? Jon Stewart eyebrowscamerasdoubt The country's 24 hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but its existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold its magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic. If we amplify everything we hear nothing. Jon Stewart glassesfirecountry If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? Very few. Jon Stewart tyrantssufferingknows I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic. Jon Stewart selfaveragethinking I can't rationalize the brilliance and knowledge that you have about the intricacies of the market with the crazy bullshit I see you do each night. Jon Stewart bullshitcrazynight Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves! Jon Stewart respectsweetgiving Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. Jon Stewart christianhairchildren Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, I'm sorry, am I boring you? and What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah? Jon Stewart sorrydoeideas Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard. Jon Stewart germanypracticeloss We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry. Jon Stewart dryearthmother Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him. Jon Stewart hatelovefunny So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No. Jon Stewart reliefrightslong Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&! Jon Stewart islamiccausesthinking Why did the Articles [of Confederation] fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due. Jon Stewart julybelievefather Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11. Jon Stewart iraqwaitingmistake The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. Jon Stewart menlooksyears
