I'm on the mirror diet. You eat all your food in front of a mirror in the nude. It works pretty good, though some of the fancier restaurants don't go for it.

Roseanne Barr

Categorized in : Mirrors Diets Restaurants

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

swimming emotional running

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.

married baby kids

After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

hollywood tonight appearance

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

easier writing television

Oh, hi. I been married thirteen years, and lemme tell you, it's a thrill to be out of the house. I never get out of the house. I stay home all the time. I never do anything fun 'cause I'm a housewife. I hate the word "housewife." I prefer to be called "domestic goddess.

marriage hate fun

This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

wife husband thinking

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.

good-man guy men

Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life.

calm kind meditation

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

ridiculous hate

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed... by Roseanne Barr

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

bed night kids

I signed a deal with Satan because I wanted to get famous. Then I forgot I had a deal with Satan and then I got really famous.

deals satan wanted

You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

dream men years

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.

get-better trying inspirational

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver. by Roseanne Barr

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.

problem-solvers problem

I was completely nuts for most of my life. by Roseanne Barr

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

nuts

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

resilience childhood stress

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.

hate earth kids

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.

white winning success

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind. by Roseanne Barr

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.

sanity darkness mind

Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice NEVER attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.

patriarchal-society judaism bully