I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy. Dana Gould More Quotes by Dana Gould More Quotes From Dana Gould In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice. Dana Gould halloween sacrifice animal We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there. Dana Gould live-your-life crazy blood Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife. Dana Gould perfect-one knives home When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death. Dana Gould coffins found A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel. Dana Gould sarcasm people thinking 59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics. Dana Gould murder suicide Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call. Dana Gould headset conferences difficult Competition is the death of art. Dana Gould competition art Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack. Dana Gould stars simple war Life imitates art but art intimidates life. Dana Gould intimidating art Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with. Dana Gould reality-bites life-is-like duty I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working. Dana Gould important together long The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls. Dana Gould dog men lying Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison. Dana Gould common-sense different hot When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. Dana Gould tattoo race years Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right. Dana Gould apologizing sorry mean I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late. Dana Gould live-in-the-moment too-late trying If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load. Dana Gould baby night jesus One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right? Dana Gould atheist christian jesus One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs. Dana Gould looks
