I never thought I’d say this, but you’re only 81! You know what they say, they say 81 is the new 79. And don’t tell me your mind’s going. Because I’ve read Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, you never had one, oh, we are supremely screwed. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment. Stephen Colbert punishmentcatholicthinking In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way. Stephen Colbert artistamericaway Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all. Stephen Colbert little-boysmenboys The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have? Stephen Colbert realnamesmean I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. Stephen Colbert aliensreallong NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ Stephen Colbert limitslawcharacter My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.' Stephen Colbert selfgivingcharacter I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. Stephen Colbert lastslawthinking If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen? Stephen Colbert hard-timescarefall Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. Stephen Colbert better-tomorrowtomorrow I can't prove it, but I can say it. Stephen Colbert prove-itprovei-can I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work. Stephen Colbert worklittlesfunny There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta. Stephen Colbert doctorsheartfacts If you're a perfectionist and you know you're about to do something at which you cannot be perfect, then that is daunting because you know what your heart is like and the way you approach your work. Stephen Colbert perfectheartway In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage. Stephen Colbert gay-marriagemonkeysgay God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way. Stephen Colbert mysterious-wayswelfareway (Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock Stephen Colbert salingerrocks Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you. Stephen Colbert blindeyewind You can't swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you've got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that's a terrible feeling. Stephen Colbert meatfeelingsthinking I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to. Stephen Colbert doctorsnightkids
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