I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. Dave Barry More Quotes by Dave Barry More Quotes From Dave Barry I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the curriculum in Trend College - "I just hate to talk to a machine!" They say this as though it is a major philosophical position, as opposed to a description of a minor neurosis. My feeling is, if you have a problem like this, you shouldn't go around trumpeting it; you should stay home and practice talking to a machine you can feel comfortable with, such as your Water Pik, until you are ready to assume your place in modern society. Dave Barry philosophical hate humorous Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry mediums islands sheep I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not. Dave Barry humorous funny sex I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. Dave Barry weed humorous funny I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys. Dave Barry humorous funny sex The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. Dave Barry internet computer literature The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas") Dave Barry humorous running funny The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles. Dave Barry humorous sports funny The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe. Dave Barry italian humorous funny The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar. Dave Barry italian humorous funny The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor. Dave Barry humorous successful funny Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II. Dave Barry united-states war world I can snap your spine like a toothpick. Dave Barry toothpicks spine i-can Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. . . . Today's government uses computers which are capable of cranking out millions of documents per day without any regard whatsoever for their content, thereby freeing government employees for more important responsibilities, such as not answering their phones. Dave Barry phones government responsibility Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you'd find at least one sex scene. ("Yes, yes, YES!" moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture...) Dave Barry nerd law sex People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking." Dave Barry writing sex thinking Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid Dave Barry riding camels pregnancy Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad. Dave Barry wire feet two If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool. Dave Barry law talking people Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. Dave Barry used names firsts
