I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. Woody Allen More Quotes by Woody Allen More Quotes From Woody Allen I see the glass half full...but of poison. Woody Allen glassespoisonhalf I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want Woody Allen knowswant The wicked at heart probably know something. Woody Allen humorousheartwitty I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot Woody Allen hourspaythinking I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. Woody Allen humorouswittyfunny You use sex to express every emotion except love. Woody Allen emotionusesex Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano. Woody Allen pianofunnymoving Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick. Woody Allen annie-hallspidershoney A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. Woody Allen logicallogicmen When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce. Woody Allen divorcegirlmother Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. Woody Allen inspirationtimefunny I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. Woody Allen focusgoalthinking If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen moneywittyfunny The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down. Woody Allen afterlifedepressingdone Everybody knows how awful the world is and what a terrible situation it is and each person distorts it in a certain way that enables him to get through. Some people distort it with religious things. Some people distort it with sports, with money, with love, with art, and they all have their own nonsense about what makes it meaningful, and all but nothing makes it meaningful. These things definitely serve a certain function, but in the end they all fail to give life meaning and everyone goes to his grave in a meaningless way. Woody Allen religiousmeaningfulsports In short, the best thing to do is behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen or under, try not to go bald. Woody Allen sixteenagetrying I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me. Woody Allen humorouswantwitty The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't. Woody Allen awardssillypeople I am two with nature. Woody Allen two A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life. Woody Allen divorcebreakupdrinking
