I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before". Emo Philips doctors grandmother heart I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.” Emo Philips prayer heart morning I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. Emo Philips humorous funny thinking A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips motivational-sports humorous funny I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service. Emo Philips men night thinking When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. Emo Philips forgiveness funny death You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. Emo Philips sexy money funny My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. Emo Philips girlfriend eye relationship Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs? Emo Philips fur coats tree I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in. Emo Philips panic love giving I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby. Emo Philips special heart baby When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun. Emo Philips emo nice funny Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy. Emo Philips strange cutting nuts I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items. Emo Philips items cuban luxury I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. Emo Philips plastic funny looks I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ. Emo Philips dies christ thinking I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code. Emo Philips morse-code construction-workers paranoid The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer. Emo Philips scots tough people I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible. Emo Philips daylight dark kids All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others. Emo Philips hate real race
