I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash. Louis C. K. More Quotes by Louis C. K. More Quotes From Louis C. K. My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like 8 degrees out, and it's dark and she's got this morning face and I send her out there to take a bus. Meanwhile, my driver is sitting in a toasty Mercedes that's going to take me to work once both kids are gone. I could send her in the Mercedes and then have it come back to get me, but I can't have my kid doing that. I can't do that to her. Me? I earned that f—ing Mercedes. You better f—ing believe it. Louis C. K. daughter morning believe All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it’s like, “Hey, I’ve got a cup in case we need another cup.” “Dude, you’re a genius!” Louis C. K. genius numbers needs It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time. Louis C. K. dog kids children I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Louis C. K. useless-things bores-you travel I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with." Louis C. K. children years thinking Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t. Louis C. K. should laughing thinking Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv. Louis C. K. beautiful kids children It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them. Louis C. K. terrible laughing people When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else. Louis C. K. writing laughing thinking You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog. Louis C. K. four three dog I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know? Louis C. K. good-years two thinking If you're older, you're smarter. I just believe that. If you're in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em ... even if they're wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have. Louis C. K. laughing believe thinking I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?" Louis C. K. dallas phones funny If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it. Louis C. K. sick romantic funny I was raised by a hard-working single mother, so my first role model was a woman. My only caretaker was a woman, and I have three sisters, so my community was girls. I have two girls, and my dog is a girl. My dead dog was a girl. I don't know. I guess I've always keyed in on that perspective. Louis C. K. girl dog mother Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people used to define that. Is black your experience or the color of your skin? My experience is as a Mexican immigrant, more so than someone like George Lopez. He's from California. But he'll be treated as an immigrant. I am an outsider. My abuelita, my grandmother, didn't speak English. My whole family on my dad's side is in Mexico. I won't ever be called that or treated that way, but it was my experience. Louis C. K. grandmother dad mean The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows. Louis C. K. doing-good shows Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about. Louis C. K. graduation laughing thinking People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. Louis C. K. baby inspirational funny Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Louis C. K. comedian editors feelings
