I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake? Joan Rivers cakehusbandshould How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard. Joan Rivers coatsagefeelings They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another. Joan Rivers san-franciscotonighttrying Two is company; three is fifty bucks. Joan Rivers threetwosex I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox. Joan Rivers humorousfunnysex Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride". Joan Rivers humorousfunnysex I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck Joan Rivers fashionhatecities I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material. Joan Rivers self-confidencecomedyego Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because Joan Rivers linesrolesremember Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even. Joan Rivers holocaustfatherthinking My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all. Joan Rivers daughtermotherlittles People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits. Joan Rivers passionmatterpeople The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality. Joan Rivers psychicspersonalitybelieve Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me. Joan Rivers humilitymemorableneeds old age' is always ten years more than we are. Joan Rivers old-ageageyears A German sense of humor is an oxymoron. Joan Rivers oxymoronsense-of-humor My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here. Joan Rivers madfashioncollege Can we talk? Joan Rivers signaturesphrases Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour. Joan Rivers homelittlestravel Run scared ... and they never catch you. Joan Rivers scaredrunning
