I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means a great deal David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out. David Letterman whitehousetrying Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience. David Letterman taxestodaypeople It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold. David Letterman icetearsuse As you watch the Gary Condit interview, three words come to mind: stiff, unbending and impenetrable. And that's just his hair. David Letterman mindhairwatches President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here. David Letterman iraqpresidentjobs When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im going to start smoking cigars again. I gave them up about a year and a half ago, and I now realize that it may have been my one last fun, interesting thing to do. David Letterman mistakefunyears Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide. David Letterman citiesnew-yorkyesterday A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac. David Letterman citiesnew-yorknight President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. David Letterman husbandtwoyears Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet. David Letterman democratplanetsplot The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box. David Letterman juggernautelectionblack Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. David Letterman vaccinesmountainebola Kim Jong Il made his staff call him “dear” and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen. David Letterman cognacgentlemandrinking Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines. David Letterman machinestodayyears The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon. David Letterman ebolagayyears The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral. David Letterman funeralconfusingalive Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.' David Letterman horsestarsfunny I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay. David Letterman yankeesrainmen An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind. David Letterman interviewssmokingsex Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration - going back and forth - finally immigration came in and hauled them both away. David Letterman schwarzeneggerdebateimmigration
