If this is your first time tuning in to ‘The Colbert Report,’ I have some terrible news. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. Stephen Colbert selfishchristianjesus Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans. Stephen Colbert eightbelievehands Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. Stephen Colbert areastruth Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us. Stephen Colbert trustfunnychildren If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. Stephen Colbert love-of-moneycommunityifs Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. Stephen Colbert newsrealworld The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's. Stephen Colbert fatecountrythinking Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow. Stephen Colbert confusedbluemorning Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity. Stephen Colbert stupiditymaypeople This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp. Stephen Colbert libertyprinciplesamerica The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door. Stephen Colbert griefmeanthinking Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. Stephen Colbert marijuanadrybeer It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. Stephen Colbert perceptionmatterfacts Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. Stephen Colbert colorfunnybelieve 'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. Stephen Colbert conservativedevilway Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison. Stephen Colbert pagesbookworld There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. Stephen Colbert forgetrememberinspirational An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. Stephen Colbert hardapplesenough If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble. Stephen Colbert sense-of-humortroublejesus You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner! Stephen Colbert dinneroffensivepersons
