If we're being unilateral, then communication does not happen, the relationship does not happen. Ross W. Greene More Quotes by Ross W. Greene More Quotes From Ross W. Greene Challenging behavior is just a signal, the fever, the means by which the kid is communicating that he or she is having difficulty meeting an expectation. Ross W. Greene expectations mean kids Everybody is talking about the behavior. Behaviors float downstream to us. We need to paddle upstream. The problems that are causing the behaviors, that's what's waiting for us. It's a crucial paradigm shift. Ross W. Greene waiting talking needs It's a whole lot more productive to be in problem-solving mode than it is to be in behavior modification mode. Ross W. Greene modification behavior problem When there's a good fit between skills and expectations, there's what we call compatibility, and we would expect a good outcome. When there's a poor fit between expectations and the capacity of the kid, there is incompatibility, and that's when we see people exhibit challenging behavior. Ross W. Greene skills kids people We have forgotten that those skills on the more positive side of human nature have to be taught, have to be modeled, have to be practiced. Ross W. Greene taught skills sides People don't scream or swear or pout or sulk when there's compatibility. But most growth occurs when there's incompatibility. When it comes to resilience, when it comes to pulling yourself up when you've fallen down, you don't learn those things when things are going well. You learn those things when you're struggling. Ross W. Greene growth struggle people My advice to educators is collaborate with parents; they know a lot about their kids. Ross W. Greene parent advice kids You want to teach all kids the skills that are on the better side of human nature: empathy, appreciating how one's behavior is affecting other people, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another's perspective, honesty. Ross W. Greene honesty skills kids Parents are much more likely to be attuned to what they don't like than they are to the expectations that the kid is having difficulty meeting. Ross W. Greene parent expectations kids No kid should be getting three or four hours of homework a night. There's no breathing time, there's no family time, there are just extracurriculars and homework and then go to bed. Ross W. Greene breathing night kids If a solution isn't mutually satisfactory, it's not going to stick. Ross W. Greene solutions sticks ifs The vast majority of things parents and kids get in conflict over are highly predictable. We're disagreeing about the same expectations the kid is having difficulty meeting every hour, every day, every week. Because it's predictable, we can have these conversations proactively. That is very hard for people. Ross W. Greene expectations kids people When people are rushed, they're stressed and you greatly increase the likelihood of being punitive and unilateral just because you're trying to grasp control. Ross W. Greene stressed trying people We never get to see that our kid is capable of solving problems on her own. We never start to build up the faith that they can actually do it. Ross W. Greene problem-solving problem kids You're your kid's partner, not the person who's pulling all the strings. Ross W. Greene strings partners kids Being completely in control is a fantasy. Ross W. Greene fantasy Solutions can't be imposed. That just fosters resentment. Ross W. Greene resentment solutions Over 18 years of us solving problems together, my daughter has shown me that she's got a good head on her shoulders, that she is pretty good at solving the problems that affect her life. If she wants my input, she gets it. Ross W. Greene daughter together years The idea that we can take this lump of clay and mold it into a form of our choosing is absolutely ludicrous. Ross W. Greene clay mold ideas Most parents are accustomed to dealing with problems in the heat of the moment. Ross W. Greene heat parent problem
