If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb. Louis C. K. More Quotes by Louis C. K. More Quotes From Louis C. K. I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'. Louis C. K. funny-sex car sex There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong. Louis C. K. laughing long thinking I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger. Louis C. K. cutting should-have kids I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up. Louis C. K. trainers boxing use When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides. Louis C. K. foundation sides needs You know what, it's not your life, it's life. Life is bigger than you, if you can imagine that. Life isn't something that you possess, it's something that you take part in and witness. Louis C. K. bigger imagine life-is Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!" Louis C. K. nice race funny My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny. Louis C. K. manipulative uncles dad Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.' Louis C. K. christian i-like-you thinking I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard. Louis C. K. car risk people Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London? Louis C. K. london dog two I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars. Louis C. K. leaving giving mean Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much. Louis C. K. talking laughing thinking People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either." Louis C. K. white funny thinking You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win. Louis C. K. winning funny two When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us. Louis C. K. smile lunch kids People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not. Louis C. K. special success people To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction. Louis C. K. connections goal laughing I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about. Louis C. K. excited boxing Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides. Louis C. K. envelopes pushing trying
