In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once? Stephen Colbert two-religionsannoyingtwo You have a firm grasp of the obvious. Stephen Colbert firmobvious If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations. Stephen Colbert corporationswantpeople Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! Stephen Colbert grandpaaidshearing Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion. Stephen Colbert hurtsorryretirement I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Stephen Colbert antibioticsmedicinelaughter And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. Stephen Colbert ifs I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? Stephen Colbert funnybooksex Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail -- apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids -- they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones. Stephen Colbert hockeykidschildren Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English? Stephen Colbert printnewspapersifs Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies Stephen Colbert butterflyoppositesdiscovery Cynicism is an enormous problem. I'm actually a hopeful person. But the way to stay hopeful is to acknowledge and to not accept what is absolutely amoral, mentally ill behavior as normal. Stephen Colbert hopefulcynicismproblem All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. Stephen Colbert truthdogsorry If I ever succumbed to the demon on my shoulder going, "You should get something special because you're famous," that is the moment that my behavior will be caught on social media for all time. I'm even afraid to use it to get a reservation. This is the person who will tweet, "Can you believe what this a-hole did?" Stephen Colbert social-mediaspecialbelieve Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror. Stephen Colbert mirrorssorrymean A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp. Stephen Colbert classnative-americanbelieve I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world. Stephen Colbert planetsearthworld If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist. Stephen Colbert incentivescorporationsfacts You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer. Stephen Colbert killersfailingmind If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?! Stephen Colbert stupidselfwaiting
