In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items -- like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut. Jay Leno More Quotes by Jay Leno More Quotes From Jay Leno The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of his missiles seem to launch. Jay Leno pills fake guy The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was so powerful it knocked the Mark Foley story right off the front page. And knocked him off the page he was on, too. Jay Leno weekend thank-god powerful According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived here, he could be in Congress. Jay Leno kim excess biographies North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars. Jay Leno korea war facts Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand. Jay Leno one-day men hands Last night, John McCain said that under the Democratic health care plan, a bureaucrat would stand between you and your doctor, as opposed to the Republican health care plan, where an accountant would stand between you and your health care. Jay Leno doctors care night I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.' Jay Leno home reality america For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.' Jay Leno secret names mean John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely. Jay Leno doctors lonely prayer Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer. Jay Leno married bills suffering Here's some exciting news - according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it's too early to tell who would lose bigger! Jay Leno new-york running thinking I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Jay Leno get-up clinton campaigns A lot of American companies are now moving into Iraq. Iraq now has Pizza Hut, Subway, Taco Bell and Popeye's fried chicken. So, great, instead of oil for food, we're giving them oil in food. Jay Leno oil iraq moving There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death. Jay Leno names america enemy President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.' Jay Leno weekend president golf President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: Running Deficits. Jay Leno names running giving Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week. Jay Leno fundraising team yesterday U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here's what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion. Jay Leno hard-times government running To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side! Jay Leno your-side giving ideas But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down! Jay Leno gas-money news car
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