John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them. Jay Leno More Quotes by Jay Leno More Quotes From Jay Leno It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years. Jay Leno running jobs years The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of 'Jersey Shore.' Jay Leno healthcare-reform bills mean Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises. Jay Leno brain memories years All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around. Jay Leno waitress turns situation It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow. Jay Leno shadow president two The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News. Jay Leno fox-news husband talking Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by. Jay Leno careers life-is easy Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech. Jay Leno president air jobs If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left for yourself. Jay Leno pie life thinking Diet Coke with lemon - didn't that used to be called Pledge? Jay Leno dieting coke used Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution. Jay Leno new-year funny mean Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street Jay Leno wall money funny Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt. Jay Leno debt grandchildren pay Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution. Jay Leno cells science believe Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day. Jay Leno valentines-day names men A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter. Jay Leno florida reading men If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong. Jay Leno making-money car ifs Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left. Jay Leno dinner bunch native-american We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards? Jay Leno issues political america This week the White House proposed fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors so they can do background checks. Officials in Saudi Arabia said this will only increase anti-American feelings in the Mideast. Is that possible? Gee, you hate to have people dislike us for no reason. Things were going so well. Jay Leno hate white people
