Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett. Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat. Christopher Titus praying-mantis dad black You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us? Christopher Titus trophies giving ideas Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program. Christopher Titus calling home jobs In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine. Christopher Titus fathers-day party nice I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight. Christopher Titus dad mom father When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that. Christopher Titus nostalgic perfect blood The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny. Christopher Titus squares keys years Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!" Christopher Titus dad fighting A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief." Christopher Titus family-and-friends family lying I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl. Christopher Titus turds succeed loser Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot. Christopher Titus dad men past My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! Christopher Titus should prayer father I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album. Christopher Titus cameras albums daughter There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*! Christopher Titus police mom night Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die and then some. Mom, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mom. Christopher Titus crazy real kids Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you can't really love a brother or sister until you know that they're as scarred and broken as you are. And, hey, if you grow up with a father like mine and you aren't at least a little scarred and broken, well then, that's not your father. You were spawned by an entirely different guy. Christopher Titus growing-up pain brother I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke. Christopher Titus cake heart father The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick. Christopher Titus dad ties writing The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. Christopher Titus powerful secret lying Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out! Christopher Titus tyrants tree blood
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