Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru? Dane Cook More Quotes by Dane Cook More Quotes From Dane Cook Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face. Dane Cook hurtfacespeople Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly? Dane Cook bad-guysguy How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions. Dane Cook would-befallthinking It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance. Dane Cook deep-downhardchance You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you. Dane Cook love-youlyingcheating I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half. Dane Cook tonightdiscoverytelevision I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest. Dane Cook cellspowerfultaken I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do. Dane Cook voicefigureswanted If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win. Dane Cook clubsgirlwinning I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming. Dane Cook helllaughing I would love to have acidy spit. Dane Cook spit It really drives me banana sangwich. Dane Cook bananas You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh! Dane Cook datingrudegirl Are there glass shards in my anus?! Dane Cook anusglasses Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha! Dane Cook dadmomsex I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people. Dane Cook yellingfeelingspeople I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting. Dane Cook hiding-somethingjealousthinking I love singing along to the radio while I'm riding in the back of a squad car. Dane Cook squadcarsinging You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with. Dane Cook lazyuserunning If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable. Dane Cook datingfar-awaywant
