Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to. Jerry Seinfeld tabloidsfolkslied Maybe if we lie down our brains will work. Jerry Seinfeld ifsbrainlying It's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is! Jerry Seinfeld phonesmeditationmind I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,"Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting...Which is more important, the present or the future?" Jerry Seinfeld wallchangelong Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to. Jerry Seinfeld wellsifssex You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city. Jerry Seinfeld citiesbrothermorning I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there. Jerry Seinfeld guymirrorsmother The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman. Jerry Seinfeld phonyoutfitsscripts What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later. Jerry Seinfeld datingsorrythinking The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. Jerry Seinfeld comediankindpersonality I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise. Jerry Seinfeld jobslyingideas The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. Jerry Seinfeld beautifulmenideas See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them. Jerry Seinfeld uglywalkingpeople Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way. Jerry Seinfeld charactermeanpeople There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids. Jerry Seinfeld entertainingfunkids Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something. Jerry Seinfeld chanceartistair The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do. Jerry Seinfeld givingpeoplethinking Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I'm going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle. Jerry Seinfeld spacewould-befun There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person. Jerry Seinfeld energypersons Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power. Jerry Seinfeld differentenergyevil
