My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon. Greg Giraldo More Quotes by Greg Giraldo More Quotes From Greg Giraldo The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla. Greg Giraldo animal years thinking Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore' Greg Giraldo teenager couple winter People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out. Greg Giraldo dog kids people There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others. Greg Giraldo dream jobs men Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising? Greg Giraldo hate eye son It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs? Greg Giraldo growing-up self-esteem kids Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago! Greg Giraldo girlfriend funny sex Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft? Greg Giraldo funny school thinking In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story Greg Giraldo stuck stories Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don't the homeless just go out and get a job? If he's wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don't think he's going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I'm pretty sure that McDonald's has a no underwear over your pant policy. Greg Giraldo jobs men thinking Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian. Greg Giraldo feet two religion You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way. Greg Giraldo two kids son I think all gay guys should get married. I think they should have to get married. They should have to adopt kids because, actually, I'm getting tired of their happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I've had it with them being all happy and in shape. I could look good in denim short shorts and combat boots, too, if I had all day to do leg presses at the gym. Greg Giraldo tired gay kids Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea? Greg Giraldo napoleon-complex complexes korea If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds. Greg Giraldo excess careers pounds You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism. Greg Giraldo government fighting thinking I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross. Greg Giraldo giving-up chocolate people Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket. Greg Giraldo insane believe looks George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you? Greg Giraldo gay doe people Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out. Greg Giraldo growing-up eye book
