My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it,' Carol Leifer More Quotes by Carol Leifer More Quotes From Carol Leifer I recently became vegan because I felt that as a Jewish lesbian, I wasn't part of a small enough minority. So now I'm a Jewish lesbian vegan. Carol Leifer veganminoritiesenough Like a lot of women, I'm bisexual. Once I have sex with you - bye! Carol Leifer bisexualbyesex Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G. Carol Leifer girlislandslong The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was Hang up, I got it! Carol Leifer teenagerparentsaid Animal experiments are no joke. Thank goodness scientists are finding better, more humane ways to develop treatments for cancer and other killer diseases. Carol Leifer humane-waycanceranimal Been thinking about having a baby. But if I want to do it, I'd have to do it soon 'cause it's getting near closing time. The clock is ticking. My gynecologist said, if I wanted to have a baby, I would have to do it - the latest - by the ended of this show. Carol Leifer clock-is-tickingbabythinking You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she's like, 'You know what? From now on, I'd like people to call me J-Lo,' and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn't come out for his morning press conferences: 'From now on, I'd like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y'all know my vice president, Dog Chain. Carol Leifer dogmorningpeople Oh my God, Kennedy Airport - what a mess - all over you with those dopey security questions. 'Did you receive any gifts from any unknown persons?' Buddy, the last thing I got from an unknown person was in the 80's. Carol Leifer airportslastsover-you I don't exercise. My philosophy is: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer painexercisephilosophy Some people have their marriages annulled, which means they never existed. Boy, talk about denial! What do you say when people see your wedding album? 'Oh that was just some play I was in. Carol Leifer playboysmean It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon. Carol Leifer humansmenfunny I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you. Carol Leifer minoritiesuniquefacts I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it. Carol Leifer cojonesworthwhilepassing-on I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it. Carol Leifer loseswantfeels I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it. Carol Leifer children I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things. Carol Leifer starting-outselfthinking My stand-up act is very clean. Carol Leifer clean There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage. Carol Leifer advantagesaws When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, 'I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive.' And six months later you're like, 'Lord, any mammal with a day job. Carol Leifer smartsweetjobs Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept. Carol Leifer girlacceptancefather
