My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy. Greg Fitzsimmons More Quotes by Greg Fitzsimmons More Quotes From Greg Fitzsimmons If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married. Greg Fitzsimmons two sex people The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks. Greg Fitzsimmons hanging-out filled knows I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints. Greg Fitzsimmons creative challenges writing I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that. Greg Fitzsimmons life-is want feels They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons growing-up nice son As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die? Greg Fitzsimmons able guy couple My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one. Greg Fitzsimmons everyday use needs Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog. Greg Fitzsimmons tanks guy water Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days. Greg Fitzsimmons dog running country Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident. Greg Fitzsimmons black wife guy I realized that every second that I'm alive, the world cares less about me. It's just a very linear, downward progression. And it sounds cynical because you guys are young and you're full with life. I want you to understand - this is it. You have nothing to look forward to because you're peaking. If you're not having fun now, kill yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way, just - it's not worth it to go forward. Greg Fitzsimmons cynical fun mean I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again. Greg Fitzsimmons grandmother phones grandma It's an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It's what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say. Greg Fitzsimmons party writing thinking Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me. Greg Fitzsimmons driving two kids I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries. Greg Fitzsimmons subsidies medicine simple We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future? Greg Fitzsimmons computer able reality If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good? Greg Fitzsimmons be-good soul talking They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops. Greg Fitzsimmons red police way My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other. Greg Fitzsimmons play writing father I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason. Greg Fitzsimmons comedian drinking reason
