One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind. Aziz Ansari More Quotes by Aziz Ansari More Quotes From Aziz Ansari When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my 'Oh No Nos.' If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don't Aziz Ansari dating-someone lists girl Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot. Aziz Ansari parks-and-recreation balls littles I just didn’t want to be pigeonholed as an 'ethnic comic' or an 'Asian comic.' I just wanted to be on the same playing field as everyone else. Aziz Ansari asian fields want I have no interest in art. Let me clarify — I have no interest in non-nude images. Aziz Ansari let-me interest art I'm an optimist - I feel like an amazing part of life is that at any moment. Aziz Ansari optimist moments life-is Zerts' are what I call desserts. 'Trée-trées' are entrées. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blasterz' with a 'z' - I don't know where that came from. I call cakes 'big ol' cookies.' I call noodles 'long-ass rice.' Fried chicken is 'fry-fry chicky-chick.' Chicken parm is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken cacciatore? 'Chicky-cacc.' I call eggs 'pre-birds,' or 'future birds.' Root beer is 'super water.' Tortillas are 'bean blankets.' And I call forks 'food rakes.' Aziz Ansari cake air beer Regardless of your ethnicity or anything, if you do great work, people will notice and you'll get hired. Aziz Ansari great-work ethnicity people I like going out and I like being single, but a growing part of me would rather just stay home, cook food with someone I really like, and do nothing. Aziz Ansari being-single going-out home Do you realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way black dudes treat magicians? Aziz Ansari black would-be world I spend so much time on the Internet...I feel like I'm a million pages into the worst book ever, and I'm never going to stop reading. Aziz Ansari reading time book I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road. Aziz Ansari parks-and-recreation taken people You've got to be pretty confident that you're good. If I do a show and for whatever reason no one laughs, I'll be like, 'Wow, those people are weird'. Aziz Ansari wow laughing people This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice. Aziz Ansari keys matter giving I went to a place recently I think is one of the most f**ked up places I've ever been to. I'm convinced this place is the epitome of American excess, of American greed. I'm talking about a place called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If you have not been there, the basic gist of Cold Stone is that they take ice cream and then they just go ape sh*t with it. Aziz Ansari ice-cream talking thinking Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say. Aziz Ansari yelling culture people The hardest part about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay. Aziz Ansari hardest gay parent Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the world. Aziz Ansari asian style silence One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it's Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari burgers new-york missing My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants. Aziz Ansari dad america son Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase. Aziz Ansari real struggle running
