People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive if someone asked me, 'Have you ever considered dental implants?' David Sedaris More Quotes by David Sedaris More Quotes From David Sedaris I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed. David Sedaris patterns changed insightful I think it's good to have the alone time. Well, I kind of have to, because I have to be alone in order to work, so I have alone time. And then I go on tour and I have being-around-people time. David Sedaris order people thinking I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself. David Sedaris inanimate-objects ridiculous fool Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two! David Sedaris queens two country The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants, I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf. David Sedaris dancer real blood Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two houres and they go over the edge. David Sedaris worry two people If you are any kind of an artist, then validation . . . can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway. David Sedaris validation kind artist Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it. David Sedaris humorous mind looks I would still be reading out loud. I think that if you are any kind of an artist, then validation is just sort of... it can be a result, but you're going to do the work anyway. Because you're just wired that way. It's so engrained, it's such a part of your personality that you don't just stop doing it. Eventually I'll retire on some level, eventually no one will want to buy my books or a ticket to see me read, it's inevitable that's going to happe David Sedaris reading book thinking He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father." He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples." He nice, the Jesus. David Sedaris nice father jesus Now, I like a church service, but this was one of those write-your-own-vows sorts of things. Neither of them had ever picked up a pen in their life, but all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love. David Sedaris being-in-love poet I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine. David Sedaris magazines reading lying Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat. David Sedaris weekend boys art The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate. David Sedaris chocolate easter rabbits It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment. David Sedaris speak hurt mouths It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?' David Sedaris party nice birthday The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing. David Sedaris real writing giving It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection." David Sedaris san-francisco ties looks For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and most of all, he saves food. Cherry tomatoes, sausage biscuits, the olives plucked from other people's martinis --he hides these things in strange places until they are rotten. And then he eats them. David Sedaris strange-places food father We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail. David Sedaris emotional healing drinking
