People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes. Daniel Tosh More Quotes by Daniel Tosh More Quotes From Daniel Tosh I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it. Daniel Tosh sunrisesleep Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive. Daniel Tosh drugcauseskids I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'. Daniel Tosh datingteacherschool Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with. Daniel Tosh runningfuncountry The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood. Daniel Tosh hoodcyclistsenjoy There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one. Daniel Tosh homerunningcountry Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid. Daniel Tosh blackracismkids They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'. Daniel Tosh phrasesendsshould Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.' Daniel Tosh homepregnancyfunny I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. Daniel Tosh voicefunnyideas Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. Daniel Tosh stupidstrugglefunny How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. Daniel Tosh cheerfunnysex I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! Daniel Tosh cleverperfectfunny Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly. Daniel Tosh guynicegirl Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love. Daniel Tosh girlloveboys I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.' Daniel Tosh sportspeoplethinking This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. Daniel Tosh gaysleepnight It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner. Daniel Tosh metallicagamesfun If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. Daniel Tosh europesoccercountry Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods. Daniel Tosh mensexart
