Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.' Conan O'Brien More Quotes by Conan O'Brien More Quotes From Conan O'Brien Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.' Conan O'Brien hearingsupportluck The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.' Conan O'Brien funny-thanksgivingturkeysjobs George Clooney says he's had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy. Conan O'Brien officerunningsex San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not. Conan O'Brien san-franciscomarijuanaamerica As you leave these gates and re-enter society, one thing is certain: Everyone out there is going to hate you. Never tell anyone in a roadside diner that you went to Harvard. In most situations the correct response to where did you go to school is, "School? Why, I never had much in the way of book learnin' and such." Then, get in your BMW and get the hell out of there. Conan O'Brien hategraduationbook By the power invested in me by the state of New York and the Universal Life Church, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You can kiss the groom. Conan O'Brien kissinghusbandnew-york Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic. Conan O'Brien eightplayerfunny Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics. Conan O'Brien athletemenfunny An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?' Conan O'Brien marijuanafightingfunny The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold. Conan O'Brien horsewinningfunny Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker. Conan O'Brien racemenfunny People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper. Conan O'Brien rapperpresidentpeople At the economic summit in China, Vladimir Putin is being accused of flirting with the first lady of China. Then again, Putin does have a history of not respecting boundaries. Conan O'Brien flirtingdoefirsts The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out. Conan O'Brien jumpingwhitepast Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him. Conan O'Brien storiestodaylong California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline '74-Year-Old Boxer,' I assumed they were making another 'Rocky' movie. Conan O'Brien californiarunningyears A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it's gotten so bad he can't afford to buy his wife her own car that she's not allowed to drive. Conan O'Brien oilcarwife A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed tooverseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them. Conan O'Brien focusalienswant Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's a dicey job market. You never know.' Conan O'Brien buddhistsri-lankajobs A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler. Conan O'Brien tweetpresidenthelping
