RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. Ambrose Bierce More Quotes by Ambrose Bierce More Quotes From Ambrose Bierce Platitude: All that is mortal of a departed truth. Ambrose Bierce departed platitudes mortals PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. Ambrose Bierce toys noise life PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom - and of whom only - it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President. Ambrose Bierce leadership numbers men Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas. Ambrose Bierce substitutes conversation ideas ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. Ambrose Bierce you-like-it enough world New York is too strenuous for me; it gets on my nerves. Ambrose Bierce nerves new-york Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets. Ambrose Bierce cotton ears two DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced. Ambrose Bierce paris cooking food INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. Ambrose Bierce iron intellectual water Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane. Ambrose Bierce mad crazy odds ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. Ambrose Bierce wisdom latin america CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. Ambrose Bierce heirs sarcastic science REVOLUTION, n. A bursting of the boilers which usually takes place when the safety valve of public discussion is closed. Ambrose Bierce censorship safety revolution ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil. Ambrose Bierce italian play character REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive. Ambrose Bierce denial lasts desire Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.". Ambrose Bierce affliction gentleman body ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting. Ambrose Bierce knowing matter views Brain: an apparatus with which we think that we think. Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Ambrose Bierce mind brain thinking An election is nothing more than the advanced auction of stolen goods. Ambrose Bierce election deception auctions REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. Ambrose Bierce popular-vote learning law
