Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head. Louis C. K. More Quotes by Louis C. K. More Quotes From Louis C. K. Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness. Louis C. K. comedianpossessionlife I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work. Louis C. K. new-yearupliftingsuccess I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors. Louis C. K. yellingpigsmoving You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!'... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.' Louis C. K. hatemotherkids I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that. Louis C. K. madlaughingkids Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. Louis C. K. endurancelegswind You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something. Louis C. K. just-be-yourselfbeing-yourselfneeds To me, art supplies are always okay to buy. Louis C. K. suppliesokayart When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from her every day, and you do, you know, you run down the list, and it feels very much like a chore. And a lot of fathers live in kind of an avoidance. They sit on the toilet for several hours a day... Oh, honey, it took me 40 minutes to go to the post office... But once you become a dad without the mom there, you have to take it all on, and you sort of activate male skills that you didn't know you could apply to fatherhood. Louis C. K. dadmotherrunning I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff. Louis C. K. laughingheaventhinking I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head. Louis C. K. pitchingroomsideas In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo. Louis C. K. lastsnightyears What we've done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It's not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can't even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now. Louis C. K. applesrealkids Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee. Louis C. K. graduationlaughingthinking The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness. Louis C. K. ironicgonepeople When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time. Louis C. K. kissingguytwo Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. Louis C. K. laughingkidsthinking If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn't be a conversation. Louis C. K. awfulwould-becountry I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please! Louis C. K. funnykidsson My kids and I figured out that there’s a third kind of person, and I don’t know what you call them, but it’s somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it’s half full with water and half full with nothing, so that’s the third kind of person. I don’t know what it is. Louis C. K. glasseswaterkids
