Technology. It's like science, only useless. Jon Stewart More Quotes by Jon Stewart More Quotes From Jon Stewart Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Jon Stewart father-sonfathers-daydad This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite. Jon Stewart clothesdesigngay If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting. Jon Stewart oxygeninterestingthinking If everything is amplified, we hear nothing. Jon Stewart ifs People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have. Jon Stewart habitmenpeople The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something. Jon Stewart vigilancesmellbullshit People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!' Jon Stewart streetsscreampeople Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after. Jon Stewart oilmilitaryyears Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? Jon Stewart godsorryfunny Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little Lent. What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail. Jon Stewart holidayone-dayyears No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation. Jon Stewart racematterpeople Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" Jon Stewart armygayinspirational Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government Jon Stewart justincongressgovernment College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. Jon Stewart collegelife-isgraduation Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center. Jon Stewart conservativelostamerica Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may. Jon Stewart agegraduationfall There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! Jon Stewart guyheartjobs The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. Jon Stewart guygolfmen McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. Jon Stewart death-penaltylawyerdone You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. Jon Stewart careerstryinglooks
