The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..." Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony. Christopher Titus love-youhelpingpeople When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could you screw that up ? And don't say, Well, you could cause someone six months of physical therapy. 'Cos, hey, lots of times, those exercise take places in pools and nylon tents with little plastic balls. Fun places like that. And, she gets to park up really close for a while. Ha ha, oh, I'm the bad guy. Christopher Titus responsibilityexercisefun Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester. Christopher Titus texaskillingpeople If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated. Christopher Titus dadcouplemoving Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me. Christopher Titus basketballbaseballfootball When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar. Christopher Titus cuckoostearsmom Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. Christopher Titus philosophicalpassionphilosophy Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family. Christopher Titus holidaylandmoving My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. Christopher Titus supportdadencouragement I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them. Christopher Titus patriotspeedlimits I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian. Christopher Titus whitepeople Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards. Christopher Titus hellsatanchocolate Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master. Christopher Titus drunkweekenddad I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function. Christopher Titus psychosismovingthinking A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. Christopher Titus dadthreetails There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it! Christopher Titus girltwoyears Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions. Christopher Titus auschwitzemotion I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night. Christopher Titus dadnightlying In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him. Christopher Titus wyominggaytwo If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you. Christopher Titus funny-workphilosophicalphilosophy
