The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. Jon Stewart More Quotes by Jon Stewart More Quotes From Jon Stewart California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils. Jon Stewart california evil It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son. Jon Stewart son Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?'. Jon Stewart yams balls may Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'. Jon Stewart italian sound giving If you smell something, say something. Jon Stewart smell ifs Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. ... But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position -- I kid you not -- in the Senate will be minority whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice. Jon Stewart jobs believe kids No, I live in New Jersey because I like living in New Jersey. Jon Stewart new-jersey jersey Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly. Jon Stewart broadway leaving fun I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that. Jon Stewart roommate stealing names Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating. Jon Stewart sense-of-humor frustrating ifs We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves. Jon Stewart kind overcoming giving I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me. Jon Stewart comedian news moving I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us. Jon Stewart chaos apes mean New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song. Jon Stewart new-york latin song To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me. Jon Stewart satire news lying Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that. Jon Stewart underwear guy running But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that. Jon Stewart ties baby believe As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to be making jokes about that. Who wants to miss out on that? If the world is going to end, I want to be there the night before, goofing off. Jon Stewart missing night ideas The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful. Jon Stewart grudge wonderful father If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, 'That's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?' But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.' Jon Stewart zoos jobs thinking
