The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds. Lenny Bruce More Quotes by Lenny Bruce More Quotes From Lenny Bruce The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals. Lenny Bruce criminalspoliticsgovernment You are a white. The Imperial Wizard. Now, if you don't think this is logic you can burn me on the fiery cross. This is the logic: You have the choice of spending fifteen years married to a woman, a black woman or a white woman. Fifteen years kissing and hugging and sleeping real close on hot nights. With a black, black woman or a white, white woman. The white woman is Kate Smith. And the black woman is Lena Horne. So you're not concerned with black or white anymore, are you? You are concerned with how cute or how pretty. Then let's really get basic and persecute ugly people! Lenny Bruce realsleepcute There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor. Lenny Bruce povertybreadwar Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves. Lenny Bruce marijuanalaworder I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God. Lenny Bruce gave-upreligionthinking It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness. Lenny Bruce suppressionviolencegiving The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is. Lenny Bruce live-lifetryingpeople There are no dirty words, only dirty minds. Lenny Bruce dirty-mindsminddirty Darwin's theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers. Lenny Bruce technologykidsyears If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish. If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch. The Air Force is Jewish, the Marine Corps dangerous goyisch. Rye Bread is Jewish, instant potatoes, scary goyisch. Eddie Cantor is goyisch, George Jessel is goyisch-Coleman Hawkins is Jewish. Lenny Bruce marinenew-yorkair Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian. Lenny Bruce shirtschristiantwo Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you. Lenny Bruce bossmentwo Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone. Lenny Bruce loverelationshipfunny The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. Lenny Bruce politicalfunnypeople You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill. Lenny Bruce jaillawpeople All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover. Lenny Bruce despairdiseaseworld If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses. Lenny Bruce childrenschooljesus Every group, every system has a set of values and morals and when you get outside those, then the alarms ring. I was politically incorrect to 95% of the country; luckily my 5% had the bread to come see me. Lenny Bruce alarmsgroupscountry You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty. Lenny Bruce eightcompassiondirty Koolaid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish, and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes - goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish - very Jewish cake. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. Lenny Bruce fruit-saladcakewhite
