The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out. Dana Gould More Quotes by Dana Gould More Quotes From Dana Gould This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes. Dana Gould hunchesairplanethinking As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door. Dana Gould parentdogdoors It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear. Dana Gould elevatorsbearsmight Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus. Dana Gould catholicchurchboys Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism! Dana Gould ventriloquismissuesemotional Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great? Dana Gould newsgaylooks Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off. Dana Gould let-meguykind Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque. Dana Gould trophiesawardshands I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech. Dana Gould middlespeechdog Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face. Dana Gould askingfacesthinking The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey. Dana Gould turkeysdreammen I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew! Dana Gould reckoningdyingifs There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich. Dana Gould old-guyssandwichesguy A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says. Dana Gould comediancompetitionwould-be If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies. Dana Gould beastwartwo The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense. Dana Gould common-senselegislationgun There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly. Dana Gould pollsdifferencesbigs If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas? Dana Gould powerfulfalljesus Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety. Dana Gould muppetanxietylife-is-like I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it. Dana Gould morningmemoriesthinking
