The straightest line between a straight distance is two points. George Carlin More Quotes by George Carlin More Quotes From George Carlin An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter. George Carlin artistjourneythinking I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, "This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me." George Carlin believeschoolthinking The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store. George Carlin storeswould-beearthquakes ... the important thing is to, first of all, question everything you read or hear or see or are told. Question it, and try to see the world for what it actually is, as opposed to what someone or some company or some organization or some government is trying to represent it as, or present it as, however they've mislabeled it or dressed it up or told you. George Carlin governmentorganizationtrying I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam. George Carlin biblewittyfunny Hard work is for people short on talent. George Carlin talenthard-workpeople They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on. George Carlin hard-workbelievethinking If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. George Carlin gamesplayreligion A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin hilariouswittyfunny Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me. George Carlin rightstwothinking I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin atheistreligiousideas More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. George Carlin namesreasonpeople How is it possible to have a civil war? George Carlin inspirationallifefunny But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow. George Carlin positivitylaughingideas And speaking of sex, the Immaculate Conception does not mean Jesus was conceived in the absence of sex. It means Mary was conceived without Original Sin. That's all it has ever meant. And according to the tabloids, Mary is apparently the only one who can make such a claim. The Jesus thing is called virgin birth. George Carlin meansexjesus Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. George Carlin circlesteamnames I don't consider myself a cynic. I think of myself as a skeptic and a realist. George Carlin cynicrealistthinking People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin. George Carlin healingmemoriespeople I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. George Carlin armssexyfunny
