There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. W. C. Fields More Quotes by W. C. Fields More Quotes From W. C. Fields Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar. W. C. Fields alcoholdrinkinghouse What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general? W. C. Fields humorousbeautifulfunny Ye Gads, no! I couldn't stand the noise. W. C. Fields winenoise There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. W. C. Fields realtodaytwo If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. W. C. Fields prosperitycomedybehinds I'm looking for loopholes. W. C. Fields loopholes Happiness means quiet nerves. W. C. Fields nervesquietmean Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her. W. C. Fields good-mangratefulforever Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? W. C. Fields vatwhiskeycomedy Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago. W. C. Fields goldshould-haveyears Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't. W. C. Fields moneyadvicemight Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner. W. C. Fields cornersprosperitymoney The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents. W. C. Fields reliefceilingstwenties Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket. W. C. Fields abstainingpocketsabstinence Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. W. C. Fields hoursdrinkingexercise It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. W. C. Fields scamsmoneyfunny In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. W. C. Fields citieslyingpeople Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of. W. C. Fields leprosyeasier Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it. W. C. Fields billslastsnight I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. W. C. Fields corpseswells
