There must be a God, because I don't know how things work. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl. Stephen Colbert caketonightamerica Equations are the devil's sentences. Stephen Colbert equationsdevilbelief Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me! Stephen Colbert winnerpresidentiallists And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life. Stephen Colbert phonesgraduationinspirational In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations. Stephen Colbert congratulationsclasszoos I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. Stephen Colbert assassinsglovesboxing I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am? Stephen Colbert why-noticestuff Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals. Stephen Colbert forgivingfunnyjesus If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing. Stephen Colbert yes-you-canwisdomjobs If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids. Stephen Colbert los-angelesifskids The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. Stephen Colbert griefinterestingthinking Citizens United said that transparency would be the disinfectant, but (c)(4)'s are warm, wet, moist incubators. There is no disinfectant. Stephen Colbert citizens-unitedwould-besaid In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.' Stephen Colbert ignorantnever-quitorder This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I thought we were past the point in this country where some people aren't people just because they have different color skin or different religion or were born in a lawyer's office, only exist on paper, have no soul and can never die. Stephen Colbert fightingcountrypast Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River. Stephen Colbert jailriverspeople Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support. Stephen Colbert climatesupportreality I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound.. with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world. Stephen Colbert strengthstrongmen Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people. Stephen Colbert threefunnypeople If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay. Stephen Colbert hermaphroditesgayimpossible Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal. Stephen Colbert halalnecksvampire
