There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it! Christopher Titus More Quotes by Christopher Titus More Quotes From Christopher Titus Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out! Christopher Titus tyrants tree blood My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha." Christopher Titus dad husband mom How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory. Christopher Titus grandpa grandma memories Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men. Christopher Titus men war two My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour. Christopher Titus dad mom beer After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better? Christopher Titus president white house I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet. Christopher Titus mets sleep people When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents! Christopher Titus mets born parent My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper. Christopher Titus mad car dad At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it? Christopher Titus daddy daughter trials For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure. Christopher Titus hurdle success-failure success My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12 black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch! Christopher Titus dad mom morning Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead. Christopher Titus teenager girl years It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point. Christopher Titus gun law house My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. Christopher Titus dad truth hurt Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible. Christopher Titus powerful jobs giving My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad. Christopher Titus dad crazy people My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy. Christopher Titus guy mom mother There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television. Christopher Titus soul perfect people Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you. Christopher Titus girl love men
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