These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets. Craig Ferguson More Quotes by Craig Ferguson More Quotes From Craig Ferguson The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo. Craig Ferguson choices names firsts The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through. Craig Ferguson three cities america Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job. Craig Ferguson house jobs men She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women. Craig Ferguson great-women knack way Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall. Craig Ferguson heroin fall firsts The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC. Craig Ferguson nbc good-night spring There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones. Craig Ferguson dog games today A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it's just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death. Craig Ferguson medicine growth over-you World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall. Craig Ferguson climbing friday war Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like Who shot J.R.? I like to think I do this every night - the question is, Is this show still on? Craig Ferguson night people thinking I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job. Craig Ferguson teenager summer jobs Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell. Craig Ferguson summer kids school During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas. Craig Ferguson crush texas war There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you. Craig Ferguson san-francisco people looks These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on. Craig Ferguson smartphones clothes people Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations. Craig Ferguson hobos martyr romance I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie. Craig Ferguson vulgar ties needs I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer. Craig Ferguson body views zoos The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men. Craig Ferguson cat heart animal It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books. Craig Ferguson disappointment reading book
